So it turns out that I moved to Southern California and I want to be an actress. That's really all there is to it. I've been applying to jobs and I have a job right now that is great but when it comes down to it, I want to act and sing and perform. So I've decided that I'm going to use this to blog my "journey to stardom" you might say. (Let's all hope that I get to stardom, right? :)
I'm hoping that this will serve three purposes:
1) I'm hoping that I can make it entertaining enough so that at least a few people will read it every once in a while
2) Anyone who does take the time to read it can post suggestions or any insight or connections they might be so kind and willing to share with me.
3) It will make me accountable to anyone who reads this so I'll actually see this acting thing through.
So that being said, here we go:
Day 1: I've decided that all I want to do is be an actress. Today I looked at a few audition websites (audish.com, actorssaccess.com, and craigslist.com -yes they post auditions on craigslist, funny huh?) and put my information up and started looking at what I could apply for. I sent my headshot and resume to a few places and I need to figure out how to do "online web demos" (and find out exactly what they are) so that I can send those. Also I need to find a way to do some voice clips. I could do that using my computer I guess but if anyone knows of a better (but not super expensive) way, please advise. :-) But let's keep in mind that I'm still poor :) Poorer than I was in Utah actually. It turns out that the rumor is true and that everything really is more expensive here. But the palm trees make it worth it.
Also today, on a completely unrelated note, I got pulled over for the first time. What was it for? I crossed over a solid white line. Sue me. Freak. The cop was probably super bored, needed to fill his quota for the month, and so he's like, "Sure, let's pull this little girl over who's never been pulled over before and give her a citation for doing something small while dudes are speeding past me at 110 mph because this will be easier and a number is a number." ....seriously?
So those are my stories for today. Stay tuned for more later :)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Bachelor
So it turns out that yesterday morning, I may or may not have auditioned for the popular ABC hit "The Bachelor." And by "may or may not have," I mean that I did. And originally I wasn't telling very many people, I probably only told a handful, but after actually going to the audition the story is just too good to not share. (Plus, as of right now, I only have 7 followers anyway so that's only 7 more people who are going to know.)
So the try-out was in Salt Lake at the Peery Hotel. I've been to a few auditions recently and the lines of people waiting to audition are ridiculously long and people get there hours before the thing actually starts. So I planned on being there early (it started at 1 and I planned on being there by 11), but of course I pushed snooze on my alarm a few times and so I didn't get there until a little after 12. I drove around the hotel and I didn't see anyone. No signs, no people, nothing that even hinted that there were Bachelor try-outs there. So I was starting to wonder if I'd mixed up the days or if I was way off on the time or if there was another Peery Hotel. So I walked around Salt Lake for about 20 minutes and then I finally saw some people open a door and put a sign out that said "Audition for the Bachelor in the Ballroom." So I went in to the hotel around 12:45.
As I walked in they gave me some paperwork to fill out. It asked the normal things like your age, birthdate, name, height, weight, eye color, social security number.....come to think of it, it would be REALLY easy for them to steal my identity now....anyway. Then they started asking questions like what are you looking for in a guy? Why do you want to find your future spouse on television? I realized that I wasn't really prepared for that last question and was suddenly grateful for my college education because if there is one thing I've learned to do these past few years it's how to BS like a pro. I don't even remember what I wrote but I think it was something about "finding love without outside opinions" or some mumbo jumbo like that. Then the paper had some questions like this: Tell us about your past dating experience. Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever had a DUI? Do you drink? Do you have a tattoo? If yes, where? Have you ever been married? If yes, why did it end. Do you have children? Were you married when you had children? It's nice that I could answer "no" to all of those because it made the paperwork go a LOT faster.
When I was done with the paper work they took a couple of pictures of me. I had someone tell me that they liked my name (yeah for girls with boy names :). I liked watching some of the other girls take pictures because there were some serious hoochy-mamas there. The audition info said "dress casually" so I wore cute jeans and a tank top with a lacy-short-sleeved shrug-type thing. These girls seriously looked like they forgot to put pants on because their dresses ("dresses") looked like they were shirts that barely made it passed their booty. And the hair and make-up on some of these girls was a little.....extreme. You think the "Utah poof" is bad? Try going to a place where Utah girls are trying to get a man and to be on TV and it poofs WAY out of proportion.
Finally the last thing they did was interview me. They taped it and my interviewer was very nice. They asked me about my past dating experience and they asked me why I want to be on the Bachelor and what I'm looking for in a guy. The great thing was that I heard the girl before me do her interview. She had to have been 36 or so and you knew that she'd practiced her answers over and over and over. When they asked her what she was looking for in a guy, she said, "I have six things and they all start with 's' so I call them my 'six s's' and if you say it fast it sounds like 'success.' Sexy, spiritual, successful....(I can't remember the other three)" Wow.....oh and it got better. They asked her why she wanted to be on the Bachelor and she said, "Well because the guys you have on there are always, like, everyone's dream guy. And you do background checks on them and so you know that they're good guys." Alright, lady, I don't know what kind of guys you're dating but if you think you have to go be on TV so that someone else gives them a background check then there are bigger issues here than just not being able to find "love."
After the interview, I was done. I was back in my car by 1:12. As I left, I realized that the answers in my interview probably weren't exactly what they wanted to hear. I couldn't bring myself to say that "I'm just looking for looooove" and "I just want to find Mr. Right and live happily ever after" but at least I was honest in my answers. As I drove away I realized that this was good for something. I realized that I don't want to find my guy on TV. I'm probably not ready to get married anyway. But I do want to be on TV. That is for sure :)
So I won't know for a while whether or not they want me on the show. Casting goes on for a while longer in different cities and they haven't even picked who the bachelor will be yet but if I find anything out, I will let you know. In the meantime, it makes for a good story, right? And someday I can tell my children that I tried out for The Bachelor. Heck, maybe I'll make it on and I'll find true looooooove.
Hahahaha. Riiiiiiiight ;-)
So the try-out was in Salt Lake at the Peery Hotel. I've been to a few auditions recently and the lines of people waiting to audition are ridiculously long and people get there hours before the thing actually starts. So I planned on being there early (it started at 1 and I planned on being there by 11), but of course I pushed snooze on my alarm a few times and so I didn't get there until a little after 12. I drove around the hotel and I didn't see anyone. No signs, no people, nothing that even hinted that there were Bachelor try-outs there. So I was starting to wonder if I'd mixed up the days or if I was way off on the time or if there was another Peery Hotel. So I walked around Salt Lake for about 20 minutes and then I finally saw some people open a door and put a sign out that said "Audition for the Bachelor in the Ballroom." So I went in to the hotel around 12:45.
As I walked in they gave me some paperwork to fill out. It asked the normal things like your age, birthdate, name, height, weight, eye color, social security number.....come to think of it, it would be REALLY easy for them to steal my identity now....anyway. Then they started asking questions like what are you looking for in a guy? Why do you want to find your future spouse on television? I realized that I wasn't really prepared for that last question and was suddenly grateful for my college education because if there is one thing I've learned to do these past few years it's how to BS like a pro. I don't even remember what I wrote but I think it was something about "finding love without outside opinions" or some mumbo jumbo like that. Then the paper had some questions like this: Tell us about your past dating experience. Have you ever been arrested? Have you ever had a DUI? Do you drink? Do you have a tattoo? If yes, where? Have you ever been married? If yes, why did it end. Do you have children? Were you married when you had children? It's nice that I could answer "no" to all of those because it made the paperwork go a LOT faster.
When I was done with the paper work they took a couple of pictures of me. I had someone tell me that they liked my name (yeah for girls with boy names :). I liked watching some of the other girls take pictures because there were some serious hoochy-mamas there. The audition info said "dress casually" so I wore cute jeans and a tank top with a lacy-short-sleeved shrug-type thing. These girls seriously looked like they forgot to put pants on because their dresses ("dresses") looked like they were shirts that barely made it passed their booty. And the hair and make-up on some of these girls was a little.....extreme. You think the "Utah poof" is bad? Try going to a place where Utah girls are trying to get a man and to be on TV and it poofs WAY out of proportion.
Finally the last thing they did was interview me. They taped it and my interviewer was very nice. They asked me about my past dating experience and they asked me why I want to be on the Bachelor and what I'm looking for in a guy. The great thing was that I heard the girl before me do her interview. She had to have been 36 or so and you knew that she'd practiced her answers over and over and over. When they asked her what she was looking for in a guy, she said, "I have six things and they all start with 's' so I call them my 'six s's' and if you say it fast it sounds like 'success.' Sexy, spiritual, successful....(I can't remember the other three)" Wow.....oh and it got better. They asked her why she wanted to be on the Bachelor and she said, "Well because the guys you have on there are always, like, everyone's dream guy. And you do background checks on them and so you know that they're good guys." Alright, lady, I don't know what kind of guys you're dating but if you think you have to go be on TV so that someone else gives them a background check then there are bigger issues here than just not being able to find "love."
After the interview, I was done. I was back in my car by 1:12. As I left, I realized that the answers in my interview probably weren't exactly what they wanted to hear. I couldn't bring myself to say that "I'm just looking for looooove" and "I just want to find Mr. Right and live happily ever after" but at least I was honest in my answers. As I drove away I realized that this was good for something. I realized that I don't want to find my guy on TV. I'm probably not ready to get married anyway. But I do want to be on TV. That is for sure :)
So I won't know for a while whether or not they want me on the show. Casting goes on for a while longer in different cities and they haven't even picked who the bachelor will be yet but if I find anything out, I will let you know. In the meantime, it makes for a good story, right? And someday I can tell my children that I tried out for The Bachelor. Heck, maybe I'll make it on and I'll find true looooooove.
Hahahaha. Riiiiiiiight ;-)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Five Things
So it turns out that I decided that I should keep going with this theme of talking about boys and it's time that I officially document the things that I'm looking for in a guy. I have five things. And I usually can't remember the fifth one but I finally did last Sunday (thanks Brynn) and now I will write it down so I won't forget it again :)
The Five Things I Want in a Guy:
1) Attractive
2) Worthy priesthood holder
3) Driven
4) Smart
5) Treats me like a princess
Pretty simple, right? I've had people ask me before why I'm not married. They ask me if I'm too picky and I took a good look inside myself and realized that these are the five essential things I need and that I'm really not picky at all. But I have high standards. Let me expand on each of these:
1) Attractive. The guy has to be attractive to me. Let's be honest, if two people aren't attracted to one another, things just aren't going to work. And attraction goes beyond physical attraction (though that is very important) but you also have to be attracted to the other person's personality. Looks are going to fade, people. There are VERY few old people who are still attractive and the majority of the ones who still look good have had enough work done and botox injected into their faces that their faces are now advanced medical art projects. So personality is key.
2) Worthy priesthood holder. I'll be honest, this is an area where a) I'm not willing to budge or cut corners, you either are or you aren't one and b) I am super picky and hold a pretty high standard. So what does this consist of? Well let me tell you :) To me, this means he honors his priesthood, he is worthy to pass the sacrament every Sunday, he does his hometeaching and does it well, he magnifies his calling, he reads his scriptures and prays every day, he goes to the temple at least once a month (more is awesome), he has a desire to be the best he can be and to help other people, and he has a good relationship with his Heavenly Father as well as his family. I know, that's a lot. And I reserve the right to add to it. Oh. And he's a returned missionary. Eagle Scout is also preferable but not required. (This kinda sounds like job requirements, huh? Well, people have said I'm a chore and a handful but never a job but if the shoe fits...haha)
3) Driven. He has to want to do something with his life. While some people may be ok with working at a dead-end job, making enough money to get by, doing the same thing over and over every day, I'm not one of those people and I couldn't ever be with someone like that. He has to have goals and ambitions and things that he wants to do with his life. Higher education is great. I've been known to say I want to marry an "ist" meaning a dentIST, optometrIST, orthodontIST, pharmacIST, etc. The title doesn't really matter but I want someone who wants to do more with his life and keep learning and growing. Also, I feel like I'm a pretty ambitious person and I take life at a run. I need someone who can run because I'd get bored walking all the time.
4) Smart. Basically I don't want my kids to come to me and say "Mommy, where does rain come from?" Then start to say, "Go ask your father," but stop myself, realizing that I could probably give them a better answer than he could. But really, I like to think I'm a pretty smart person, and I just want to be able to have intelligent conversations. Also, going back to the whole attractive thing, looks only take you so far in life, after the looks are gone, the conversations are still there and as long as those are stimulating then....well, you get the idea.
5) Treats me like a princess. Ok. This is one that I feel super strongly about. This doesn't mean that he has to bring me flowers every week (though I do love flowers and I think that guys should find random reasons to bring girls flowers because that's just cute) or that he has to shower me with gifts and be all affectionate all the time and write me sappy love letters. But someone who looks at me like I matter, like I'm important to him. Someone who, when I'm sick, will be there, trying to make me feel better or just sitting with me until I am better. Someone who doesn't forget about me. Someone who wants to spend time with me and do things with me. Someone who doesn't just try to make out with me all the time but wants to talk to me and hear about my day and who cares about what I have to say. Someone who wants to tell me nice things and that he likes/loves me. Everyone has different love languages, I haven't read the book but I'm pretty sure that mine are quality time and physical touch. I think it's important that when two people are dating that they understand what the other's love languages are and that they'll be happier if they make an effort to understand and communicate with each other in those languages.
So those are my five things and the basic jist of what each entails. And I know that there are guys out there with these qualities. Girls, if you want to borrow my list and tweak it to your own specifications, please do :) I want to add one disclaimer that I reserve the right to tweak, modify, expand, or otherwise change any of the definitions of each requirement as I may see fit in the future. But the basics will stay the same. Just five things. That's not picky right? :)
**On a completely unrelated note, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!! I have the best one but the rest of you are great too :-) Thank you for all you do and thanks especially to my mom for putting up with me and loving me my whole life. And for listening to my babblings. You may not believe me but this blog is the readers' digest version of my rants, my mom gets to hear the whole shebang. And I love her for it. I love you, Mom!! **
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Maybe It Is Me After All...
So it turns out that I might be the reason that I have this boy drama in my life. Let me explain. I hang out with boys who don't care about me on a semi-regular basis. I think this is detrimental to my well-being as a person, but do I do it to myself?
Exhibit A: There is this boy who I was engaged to once who I have proceeded to let back into my life at least 13 times and have had my heart stomped on each time. You'd think I'd learn my lesson. The last time we saw each other and had a good conversation, I told him that I needed to feel like he liked me and that I didn't because I felt like he was just using me to get some action. Gross. And it made me feel worthless and like an object and I hate it. So I told him that. He looked and sounded apologetic and said he'd try to do better. Have I seen talked to him since then? ....yeah not really. Today I texted him something along the lines of "You're leaving for DC in a month and I'm moving to California in August. There's a good chance we'll never see each other again after that. Crazy, huh?" The response I got was something like, "Yeah that is weird. Have you been outside today? It's so nice." ..... Seriously?? That's it? Throw me a bone here people.
Exhibit B: There is this boy that I thought was ridiculously attractive (like the kind of guy who is so attractive that you look at him and immediately go "that is a very good looking dude." Guys like that don't talk to girls like me.) So he started talking to me and texting me and we hung out a few times and watched movies (like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter because we're nerds) and cuddled. I didn't really mind the cuddle-buddy thing. He's not really my type as far as my 5 requirements for the kind of guys I date (that's a blog-post for later) but he's fun and I like hanging out with him. Well, we ended up kissing. Twice. And then the day after the second time, he doesn't talk to me all day. Prior to this, he'd texted me every day, on and off, all day. And then nothing. Hmmmmm. When we eventually chatted a la facebook two days after the last lip-to-lip incident, I asked him if he hooked up with me just because he wanted to get some. He responded with "Haha, I wouldn't put it that way." Oh no? How would you put it? "It was kissing for fun." Because that's sooooooo much different. Now, I don't hold him responsible, it takes two to tango and I wanted to kiss him too (dude, he is HOT, you can't blame me) but I realized that it meant nothing, to him or me, and I need more than that. No more nicmos. No more kissing a boy unless I'm dating him. ....judging by my track record, it might be a LOOOOONG time before I kiss anyone.
Exhibit C: There is a boy that I have kind of dated a few times over the last two or three years. In January of 2010, he ended things by telling me he wanted someone who "has never made any mistakes in her life and can be a better example to [his] future children." His words. No joke. Then in January of 2011, he told me that he loved being around me and he loved seeing me and knowing he was going to see me and that he could see himself marrying me. (Complete 180, right?) Oh, and that he'd liked me for a really long time and he just felt like maybe the timing was always off or something. But that he felt like when he meets the girl that he's supposed to marry, that he'll just know. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Turns out that 99.9999999999% of the time, that doesn't happen. I'm not sure what fantasy world he's living in but that's not how it works. And I told him that and told him he was being dumb and it seemed like he started to realize that he was wrong. He told me that he had a lot of thinking and praying to do and then he didn't talk to me for four days. At the end of the four days, I get a text asking me if we can talk the next day. Oh, come on, I know what's coming, you don't have to tell me in person. I've heard it before, don't waste my time, and I made him tell me over text. Basically he still feels like he's supposed to be with somebody else blah blah blah yada yada yada. I was like, "Ok, good luck with that," and moved on with my life. Then a few weeks ago, he starts talking to me again. Hangs out with me one night and doesn't stop looking at me the whole night (and one of his roommates called him out on it, which was pretty funny). We hung out again after that and just watched a movie with a bunch of people and then talked for a while afterward. This is the thing: I really want to be with someone who wants to be with me, not someone who is refraining and holding himself back from being with me. Oh, and also, this guy is moving to southern California the same time I am for grad school. He will literally be 15 minutes away. (Hmmmm, still looking for that sign/"Aha" moment?) I just don't understand it.
So basically it's just draining spending time with boys who there is no future with. And why do I do it?
Because I don't want to hang out by myself? Because I don't want to be alone? Because I want to think that maybe there's hope that they miraculously do care about me all of a sudden? Because I'm a glutton for punishment? Or because I'm actually the dumb one?
I want a guy who cares about me. In my head, that doesn't seem like that's too much to ask. It happens to other people (or at least I think it does otherwise there are a ton of marriages doomed to unhappiness and failure all around me). And for the record, this isn't me complaining about boys, it's really just me trying to figure this whole thing out. Thoughts?
Exhibit A: There is this boy who I was engaged to once who I have proceeded to let back into my life at least 13 times and have had my heart stomped on each time. You'd think I'd learn my lesson. The last time we saw each other and had a good conversation, I told him that I needed to feel like he liked me and that I didn't because I felt like he was just using me to get some action. Gross. And it made me feel worthless and like an object and I hate it. So I told him that. He looked and sounded apologetic and said he'd try to do better. Have I seen talked to him since then? ....yeah not really. Today I texted him something along the lines of "You're leaving for DC in a month and I'm moving to California in August. There's a good chance we'll never see each other again after that. Crazy, huh?" The response I got was something like, "Yeah that is weird. Have you been outside today? It's so nice." ..... Seriously?? That's it? Throw me a bone here people.
Exhibit B: There is this boy that I thought was ridiculously attractive (like the kind of guy who is so attractive that you look at him and immediately go "that is a very good looking dude." Guys like that don't talk to girls like me.) So he started talking to me and texting me and we hung out a few times and watched movies (like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter because we're nerds) and cuddled. I didn't really mind the cuddle-buddy thing. He's not really my type as far as my 5 requirements for the kind of guys I date (that's a blog-post for later) but he's fun and I like hanging out with him. Well, we ended up kissing. Twice. And then the day after the second time, he doesn't talk to me all day. Prior to this, he'd texted me every day, on and off, all day. And then nothing. Hmmmmm. When we eventually chatted a la facebook two days after the last lip-to-lip incident, I asked him if he hooked up with me just because he wanted to get some. He responded with "Haha, I wouldn't put it that way." Oh no? How would you put it? "It was kissing for fun." Because that's sooooooo much different. Now, I don't hold him responsible, it takes two to tango and I wanted to kiss him too (dude, he is HOT, you can't blame me) but I realized that it meant nothing, to him or me, and I need more than that. No more nicmos. No more kissing a boy unless I'm dating him. ....judging by my track record, it might be a LOOOOONG time before I kiss anyone.
Exhibit C: There is a boy that I have kind of dated a few times over the last two or three years. In January of 2010, he ended things by telling me he wanted someone who "has never made any mistakes in her life and can be a better example to [his] future children." His words. No joke. Then in January of 2011, he told me that he loved being around me and he loved seeing me and knowing he was going to see me and that he could see himself marrying me. (Complete 180, right?) Oh, and that he'd liked me for a really long time and he just felt like maybe the timing was always off or something. But that he felt like when he meets the girl that he's supposed to marry, that he'll just know. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Turns out that 99.9999999999% of the time, that doesn't happen. I'm not sure what fantasy world he's living in but that's not how it works. And I told him that and told him he was being dumb and it seemed like he started to realize that he was wrong. He told me that he had a lot of thinking and praying to do and then he didn't talk to me for four days. At the end of the four days, I get a text asking me if we can talk the next day. Oh, come on, I know what's coming, you don't have to tell me in person. I've heard it before, don't waste my time, and I made him tell me over text. Basically he still feels like he's supposed to be with somebody else blah blah blah yada yada yada. I was like, "Ok, good luck with that," and moved on with my life. Then a few weeks ago, he starts talking to me again. Hangs out with me one night and doesn't stop looking at me the whole night (and one of his roommates called him out on it, which was pretty funny). We hung out again after that and just watched a movie with a bunch of people and then talked for a while afterward. This is the thing: I really want to be with someone who wants to be with me, not someone who is refraining and holding himself back from being with me. Oh, and also, this guy is moving to southern California the same time I am for grad school. He will literally be 15 minutes away. (Hmmmm, still looking for that sign/"Aha" moment?) I just don't understand it.
So basically it's just draining spending time with boys who there is no future with. And why do I do it?
Because I don't want to hang out by myself? Because I don't want to be alone? Because I want to think that maybe there's hope that they miraculously do care about me all of a sudden? Because I'm a glutton for punishment? Or because I'm actually the dumb one?
I want a guy who cares about me. In my head, that doesn't seem like that's too much to ask. It happens to other people (or at least I think it does otherwise there are a ton of marriages doomed to unhappiness and failure all around me). And for the record, this isn't me complaining about boys, it's really just me trying to figure this whole thing out. Thoughts?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Ways of Thinking
So it turns out that I graduated from college last week and now am a proud owner of a bachelor's degree. *ahem* YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for humoring me, I just had to get that out.
My next topic of conversation is, you guessed it, boys. I have a funny story to sum up what I'm about to say about my recent possible break through in self discovery:
On Tuesday I went to return my sister's computer to the BYU Computer Rental place and I got there right at 6pm when they were closing up. The workers were walking out the door and who walks out first and sees me? Jason. (For those of you who don't know the Lance/Jason story, come talk to me, I'll keep you entertained for at least and hour and that'll be the reader's digest version.) He sees me and comes over to say hi and all I say is, "Can I return a computer?...." He says sure and, like the nice guy he's always been, reopens the shop for me, helps me carry the computer in and stays at work for an extra 10-15 minutes to help me out. We talk about life, blah blah blah, it was good to catch up and stuff and I'm really glad he's doing well and that he's happy. The funny part of the story comes in when, right before I'm leaving, I get a text from Lance saying, "Hey, you should come check out my new apartment." Deja vu. Leave from hanging out with one to go hang out with the other. So this is my possible self-realization: can I not just have one guy in my life? Am I super needy and so in order to get the attention that I want, I have to jump from boy to boy, not committing to any of them because they can't give me everything I want but they can give me a piece of it so I stay around?
Also, why do I keep going back to boys that I've tried things with and it hasn't worked? I feel like most people don't even have a problem with this and they don't ever even consider hanging out with, much less dating, the same guy again. And yet I do. There are a few guys where they've broken my heart (or at least stabbed it a little bit) and if they want me back, I give it another chance. Then my heart gets stabbed or broken again and then I still give them yet another chance. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I'd like to think it's because I try to see the best in everyone and so I like to think that the guy has changed and gotten better. But due to trial and error, I would diagnose that I'm simply and idiot and a glutton for punishment. So the question is, how do I stop this self-destructive behavior?
The ramblings continue as I propose this last self-realization: maybe I just like not being committed to anyone and being able to hang out with whoever I want, whenever I want. The other night, I realized that love was all around me. My friends are in love, my coworkers are in love, people are sending flowers, people are getting engaged, people are getting married, and lots of cutsey little things are going on. Awesome. I'm happy for all of you and I love you all. In the midst of seeing all of this lovey-dovey-ness, I started thinking to myself, "I want that. I want to have the guy who I can always count on, who sends me flowers and cute little notes to tell me he's thinking about me. Who comes over even when I'm busy just so he can be around me. Etc." I then went through the list of the guys I've been hanging out with recently and realized that none of them do that nor do I see any of them treating me like that. And it made me really sad. Self-realization: even though I come off as a strong, independent, care-free girl, at the end of the day I just want someone to love me and do cutesy-wootsey things for me and who I can do lovey-dovey things for.
Then I went to bed, woke up the next morning, and resumed my status as a strong, independent, boy-free me. My life rocks. :-)
Thanks for humoring me, I just had to get that out.
My next topic of conversation is, you guessed it, boys. I have a funny story to sum up what I'm about to say about my recent possible break through in self discovery:
On Tuesday I went to return my sister's computer to the BYU Computer Rental place and I got there right at 6pm when they were closing up. The workers were walking out the door and who walks out first and sees me? Jason. (For those of you who don't know the Lance/Jason story, come talk to me, I'll keep you entertained for at least and hour and that'll be the reader's digest version.) He sees me and comes over to say hi and all I say is, "Can I return a computer?...." He says sure and, like the nice guy he's always been, reopens the shop for me, helps me carry the computer in and stays at work for an extra 10-15 minutes to help me out. We talk about life, blah blah blah, it was good to catch up and stuff and I'm really glad he's doing well and that he's happy. The funny part of the story comes in when, right before I'm leaving, I get a text from Lance saying, "Hey, you should come check out my new apartment." Deja vu. Leave from hanging out with one to go hang out with the other. So this is my possible self-realization: can I not just have one guy in my life? Am I super needy and so in order to get the attention that I want, I have to jump from boy to boy, not committing to any of them because they can't give me everything I want but they can give me a piece of it so I stay around?
Also, why do I keep going back to boys that I've tried things with and it hasn't worked? I feel like most people don't even have a problem with this and they don't ever even consider hanging out with, much less dating, the same guy again. And yet I do. There are a few guys where they've broken my heart (or at least stabbed it a little bit) and if they want me back, I give it another chance. Then my heart gets stabbed or broken again and then I still give them yet another chance. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I'd like to think it's because I try to see the best in everyone and so I like to think that the guy has changed and gotten better. But due to trial and error, I would diagnose that I'm simply and idiot and a glutton for punishment. So the question is, how do I stop this self-destructive behavior?
The ramblings continue as I propose this last self-realization: maybe I just like not being committed to anyone and being able to hang out with whoever I want, whenever I want. The other night, I realized that love was all around me. My friends are in love, my coworkers are in love, people are sending flowers, people are getting engaged, people are getting married, and lots of cutsey little things are going on. Awesome. I'm happy for all of you and I love you all. In the midst of seeing all of this lovey-dovey-ness, I started thinking to myself, "I want that. I want to have the guy who I can always count on, who sends me flowers and cute little notes to tell me he's thinking about me. Who comes over even when I'm busy just so he can be around me. Etc." I then went through the list of the guys I've been hanging out with recently and realized that none of them do that nor do I see any of them treating me like that. And it made me really sad. Self-realization: even though I come off as a strong, independent, care-free girl, at the end of the day I just want someone to love me and do cutesy-wootsey things for me and who I can do lovey-dovey things for.
Then I went to bed, woke up the next morning, and resumed my status as a strong, independent, boy-free me. My life rocks. :-)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
You know who
So it turns out that I don't think too many people read this anyway so I thought I'd share my latest drama with all you (3) faithful readers. Tonight, I wouldn't say that I got "dumped" because you have to be dating someone to get dumped and we weren't dating but I got told that, despite the fact that he wakes up some mornings and goes "I really should be dating Chris," he feels like there's someone else out there for him. But he says likes me a lot and has for a while and that his feeling (or interpretation thereof) could be skewed and he needs to "figure things out."
I'm not complaining about him, I'm not going to go off about boys and that they're weird and "who needs them" and all that stuff. This is my point. WHY do soooooo many guys (this has happened more than once) "like me," heck, some of them love me, but they "feel like they should be with someone else"????? Is it just that I'm the kind of girl that guys can see themselves marrying someone like but when it comes down to it, it's not me they want? Or do I just tend to attract the guys that are afraid of commitment so that, even when the best thing ever is starring them in the face, deep down they don't want to commit because they know it could end in the "M" word so they freak out and leave? Or is this a way that God is keeping me occupied while not getting attached so that I'll still be single when the right guy does come along (if and when that happens) and then I'll be able to recognize it?
These are my musings as I get drunk on chips and salsa and then chase it down with Extreme Moose Tracks Ice Cream. I'll say this: I'm getting to be a pro at handling situations like this. My method: remain emotionally aloof until he decides that he wants some form of commitment but with an idea of what kind of a commitment level you'd be willing to put into the relationship. What does this accomplish? It means that the chances that he really wants to be with me are higher. The chances of him dumping me after a super short amount of time is lower.
Someone wise once said, when being dumped, "As long as you've learned something, even a loss can be your gain."* So I'm gaining. Yay me. My remedy for situations like this: a good book, ice cream, and driving fast. Also, I've decided that when boys tell me things like this my response will be, "Good luck, figure things out, and then if you decide you want to date me, when you tell me, you'd better have roses." I'm a sucker for red roses. Seriously, how do people get married?
*Yes I quoted myself, but as there are only 3 of you who might read this blog and you all know me well enough to know that I'm a fairly prideful person, I didn't think you'd be surprised and I didn't think you'd mind :) Thank you for loving me anyway :)
I'm not complaining about him, I'm not going to go off about boys and that they're weird and "who needs them" and all that stuff. This is my point. WHY do soooooo many guys (this has happened more than once) "like me," heck, some of them love me, but they "feel like they should be with someone else"????? Is it just that I'm the kind of girl that guys can see themselves marrying someone like but when it comes down to it, it's not me they want? Or do I just tend to attract the guys that are afraid of commitment so that, even when the best thing ever is starring them in the face, deep down they don't want to commit because they know it could end in the "M" word so they freak out and leave? Or is this a way that God is keeping me occupied while not getting attached so that I'll still be single when the right guy does come along (if and when that happens) and then I'll be able to recognize it?
These are my musings as I get drunk on chips and salsa and then chase it down with Extreme Moose Tracks Ice Cream. I'll say this: I'm getting to be a pro at handling situations like this. My method: remain emotionally aloof until he decides that he wants some form of commitment but with an idea of what kind of a commitment level you'd be willing to put into the relationship. What does this accomplish? It means that the chances that he really wants to be with me are higher. The chances of him dumping me after a super short amount of time is lower.
Someone wise once said, when being dumped, "As long as you've learned something, even a loss can be your gain."* So I'm gaining. Yay me. My remedy for situations like this: a good book, ice cream, and driving fast. Also, I've decided that when boys tell me things like this my response will be, "Good luck, figure things out, and then if you decide you want to date me, when you tell me, you'd better have roses." I'm a sucker for red roses. Seriously, how do people get married?
*Yes I quoted myself, but as there are only 3 of you who might read this blog and you all know me well enough to know that I'm a fairly prideful person, I didn't think you'd be surprised and I didn't think you'd mind :) Thank you for loving me anyway :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
New Hobbie
So it turns out that I really like cooking. I don't do it very much because I just don't have time but I decide that now that I'm done with classes, I'm going to cook more. So if anyone has any amazing recipes, let me know. :-) I made fudge today with my little sister (and by little I mean the 6 year old sister) and it hasn't finished cooling yet but I think it turned out alright. And now I have cooking fever.
I feel like this post was going to be a lot longer but I really don't have much else to say :-) soooo.....see ya next time!
I feel like this post was going to be a lot longer but I really don't have much else to say :-) soooo.....see ya next time!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)